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Nothing is written in stone

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Nothing is written in stone

So I turn 50 tomorrow… not exactly where I thought I would be…I am grateful for where I am, don’t get me wrong, but after these past 4 yrs, I’ve learned that nothing is written in stone!

I married a man I thought I would live the rest of my days with, and it didn’t work out well…I have a habit of ignoring red flags because I am getting some need met somehow…I thought, ok, it’s a compromise. We were not meant to be married, I loved him dearly and still do, but we were better friends than as a couple, but we tried…we were in our 3rd attempt of trying when life decided to take away that attempt and he passed away.

I deal with the guilt of what if every day! I miss him so much at times, then I get so angry for missing him because of his bad behavior and chaos he created!

Why am I still feeling this way when I know the truth?

I knew he no longer had emotional strings attached to me when we separated awhile ago, but since his passing…his emotional strings are even tighter. By that I mean, I’m afraid to trust anyone anymore, I question anyone and their motives regarding me. I am trying to be the person I always thought I should be, but I can’t trust my self to make good decisions anymore.

I turn 50 tomorrow and what I thought in my head would happen was that I would be happy, with my friends and loved ones, but what I am is, afraid of the next thing, day, person.

I envisioned my 50th birthday having a cookout, friends and family there, just enjoying the day… now I realize I won’t get that.

I even allowed myself to think I could possibly move on, but my fear of getting hurt and rejected takes over and I clam up. I’m tired of making bad choices, I’m tired of trying, and I’m tired of putting myself out there and it’s never good enough…

I’m surprised I even made it to 50, I honestly never thought I would live to see 40…

So, here I sit, realizing I made it to 50…life changes from day to day, what I wanted and expected to happen by now is not what really is…nothing messes your head up more than your own picture in your head of what you think life should be vs. What life really is…

I am grateful for each day…I fight to find a reason to smile each day. I have that in my kids and grandkids…I just need to be reminded sometimes…

Hey, like my husband once said…

Nothing is written in stone.

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Letting go…

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Letting go…

Breaking up is hard to do…We all have heard that before, I don’t think the actual act is hard to do, rather the letting go of all your hopes and dreams attached to the relationship…that’s the difficult part.  Our heads and our hearts are at a battle, and so you are constantly waivering, doubting, and pretty much caving in to your emotions.  

Staying strong is hard, going back to a comfort level easy, but then you just end up hurting worse, and others because of staying still.  We all have a breaking point, a line, whatever…but it’s that hunger to be loved, belong, needed that ruins us.  

Memories control us, good and bad, but when we are in a break up, our heart plays tricks on the mind, and our memories become more intense with a tinge of longing, aching if you will, for more of those memories. It amazes me that we don’t remember the bad things, lines crossed and our breaking points in those moments.  I think it’s because we have to train ourselves to focus on the current situation, the moment before us and not live in the hope of something that has yet to happen.  We all do it, and we are all guilty of  living in hope. 

So how do you let go?  I don’t know, I just know sometimes, you just have to. I miss what I was suppose to have, I miss what was promised, but most of all I miss feeling like I would never have to worry about “Letting Go.”

A letter to my Grandchildren

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To my beautiful grandchildren…

Our world is changing so fast and there are many things I wish for you…

I wish for you all the things that life teaches you…

I’d really like for you to know about hand-me-down clothes. I really wish for you to realize the pride and love in wearing those hand-me downs, and to honor the memories attached to them.

I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated, and that you never feel you should retaliate because you feel wronged. I hope you learn the value in forgiveness and compassion.

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. I want for you to build memories that will make you smile in times when you don’t want to.

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen, I want for you to know that feeling of worth and pride by earning it for yourself!

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. It shows you are willing to protect, project and prove that you have faith and strength.

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother or sister.

And it’s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when they want to crawl under the covers with you because they’re afraid, I hope you let them.

When you want to see a movie and your little brother or sister wants to tag along, I hope you’ll let them. You may not get the chance to be with them when you grow up, life changes our expectations of our future, do now what you think you can do then.

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don’t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won’t be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books, lots of them. It is in books you will discover your hopes and dreams.

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

I hope that when you get angry with your Mom and Dad, you remember that it’s ok to feel the way you do, but never stay mad or hold grudges. Your parents will love you no matter what, just remember these are the people who have loved you since before you were here.

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, get splinters in your hands from chopping wood and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

I don’t care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don’t like it.

And if a friend tries to get you to do something that makes you feel funny inside, listen to that funny feeling, they are not your friend.

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your grandparents and ask us about what your Mom and Dad were like growing up, and I hope you go fishing with your uncle, make cookies with your GG’s, and watch old movies with your Aunt.

These are just some of the things that I wish for you – tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness.  These are the same things my Grandparents wished for me, I have learned, to appreciate life, all of these things must happen.

I wish for you all the things life teaches you, but most of all…

I wish for you to know how much you are loved!

My Path

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My Path

A letter to my Family and Friends, who ever you consider yourselves to be…

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No Regrets

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I don’t regret anything about my past, nor do I think any thing I did and with whom was a waste of time…I am grateful for every single moment, because each second, minute, hour and day has made me who I am today!  My Path was created by me, carved by my own foot steps, like a river carves it’s pathway cutting thru a mountain, it never turns back, or regrets, it just keeps moving forward!

The Distance Between Us…

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Photo credit: Danette Monta

The distance between us makes me wonder each day. There could be a million miles between us but I  would still feel your presence around me. You are so far away from me but yet so close to my heart.  I can spend blissful moments wrapped around your memory by just closing my eyes and the distance disappears . It’s the love that you have taught me and have given me that lets me know, even though we have miles between us and we cannot spend time together, we are always forever a part of each other. Even from a distance I can close my eyes and feel as if we were never apart. I know you are with me where ever I go, I can feel your smile and hear your laughter.  I see you in the simplest little things that surround me, The sun setting as the sky turns to a milky pink with a glow of azure, Catching a song on the radio at just the right time to hear the part that you always sang loudly, A scent that fills the air. I smile because I know it was you who taught me about love, I love you for being the wonderful person that you are and were and for the beauty you brought into my life.   

I truly miss you and often think what would you tell me to do at this moment or what words of wisdom you would give me when I feel afraid or uncertain. I learned to trust your courage and your bravery.  I look to you still as an example and recall your words to help me even now.  I wonder do you know what an impact you have had? Do you know just how much you have influenced me?  The distance between us makes me wonder each day…

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